Monday, August 22, 2011


At first I loved this song. I listened to it over and over and memorized the words and sang it throughout the day under my breath. But then I started thinking about the words. We’re waiting here for you. I pictured myself standing in this desert of white emptiness waiting for god to show up, that didn’t seem to fit where my heart was…but still this song seemed like it was meant for me to hear. Then I asked god about it and he gave me glorious insight about where he has me. I’m not waiting in a blank room for him to appear for a few minutes when he’s free. He is holding my hand every step of the way, and getting to this place of waiting, for me, means that I’m no longer trying to drag god where I want to go. I’m waiting for him to lead me. With my hands lifted high in praise. What a glorious god we serve! Patiently waiting for us to release the reins of our lives and follow his lead. How gracious is he?! He has the blueprints, he’s seen the ending, he even wrote the script. Yet he doesn’t force us to follow it, he romances us into a place where we desire to follow him. Anywhere.
This year is a big one for me transition wise. Over the summer the lord did so much in my heart, I can’t begin to describe it, but I’m so thankful for every bit of it. Getting back to auburn has been a bit of an adjustment because of that though. For most of my college experience I’ve been involved in the same ministry. Through ups and downs, I’ve met some amazing people and learned a lot about the lord, but this summer he made it pretty clear to me that he wanted me to go somewhere else. That being said, along with all the other transitions for this fall, my ‘home away from home’ was not an option for me anymore. Scary stuff, right?
So I’ve been workin. And schoolin. And not sleepin. And I am TIRED. So when Thursday night rolled around and I was staring a one class Friday in the face, taking a Benadryl and being dead to the world for 24 hours sounded pretty spectacular. Getting myself together and going to a new ministry where I knew exactly two people…did not. The lover of my soul, however, had other plans. So when 8 pm rolled around, I was walking in to this ministry, nervous as all get out, feeling like a freshman in the wrong class. And that’s where the awkward ended. Corny though it may be, the way I described it to my mom was through a scene from oliver and company. Don’t hate. You know you cried too. When oliver is left in the box and its all wet and he’s sad…that’s where satan had been trying to drag me. Into isolation through a busy schedule and a sleepy body. And walking into that room was like when he gets a collar with his name on it. I felt so welcomed and loved and like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Worshipping in the middle of a room packed with other college students pursuing the same god was incomparable. Listening as truth was spoken over us and being challenged to live that truth was refreshing. Meeting other believers and beginning friendships was beautiful. I just loved every minute of it.
When I woke up today, I still had the same struggles, and I still had to choose to live joyfully in the truth that my jesus promises me, but every day it becomes a little bit more natural.
Lord thank you for romancing me endlessly. Thank you for choosing my path and guiding me into places where your spirit can so easily be seen in your followers. Thank you for the little encouragements you send my way daily. Thank you for not giving up on me. I love you.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Leaving kamp was very bittersweet for me for a lot of reasons. When I left auburn I didn’t really feel like I had anything to return to aside from my family. So going to kamp was pretty risky for me, not knowing where I was going and not knowing what would be waiting for me when I returned. That left me in an excellent place for god to work in me though. While I was scared to death, I was malleable for the first time in a long time. This summer jesus recaptured my heart and romanced me in ways I didn’t think were possible. I can honestly say that I fell in love with him this summer. He drew me into the desert and whispered sweet words to me. There were days I got distracted and times I fell short, but he was so present in my life. I could feel it. I made amazing friends and had incredible mentors who poured into my life. I spent every day with people who were pursuing Christ in their lives. I didn’t have to hide who I was or what I struggled with, and I had people who loved me for the good and helped me sort through the bad. Being back in the ‘real world’ just can’t compare to the community I was part of at kamp, and that’s okay, but adjusting back to real life in a way that’s glorifying to god is crucial for my spiritual growth.
I’ll be honest, I have definitely been a bit lazy the last week, but the good news is that I can feel it. I love that. Lord thank you for giving me a heart that desires you and craves your presence even when my flesh is lazy. The last couple of days he has been reminding me of how much I need him in a very literal way. I’ve got some baby version of bronchitis…or brontosaurus…essentially death warmed up in my lungs/throat area. It is gross and not very fun, but I’ll live. The metaphor is that I let it go for just a few days too long…and now I feel like dying if I forget one of my medications. Sadly my spiritual life was in the same area. I let it float along for just a few days and I’ve found myself gasping for a breath of his presence. Fortunately god responds much quicker than any medication and he immediately wraps me up in himself and I can breathe. I don’t know about you, but while I love being rescued, I’d rather not need to be rescued. I’d rather be right in the center of his will bringing glory to his name and fulfilling my purpose on this planet by making his name famous. I really need to stay on top of that. There isn’t one thing on this planet that’s more important than my relationship with the king. I’ve also noticed a distinct pattern in my attitude throughout the day based on whether or not I’ve stopped and made time for the lover of my soul. It’s just common sense. And I need to stop letting my lazy flesh get the best of me.
Don’t we serve a gracious god?! I don’t know what I would do without him. He understands me and accepts me for who I am. How cool is that? The creator of the galaxies thinks I’m worth rescuing on a daily basis! That’s pretty rad. I’m just reminded of his desire for me and repeatedly knocked straight to my knees in thanks for who he is. In Isaiah 43:1 God says that he has called us by name, he has redeemed us and that we are his. When I see ‘you are mine’ written about me…by the king of the universe…it gives me chill bumps. Or how about psalm 45:11? The king is enthralled by your beauty….whoa. God has been reminding me of how much he desires me lately…and I just thought I’d share. Somewhere in exodus if you read kjv god refers to us as his peculiar treasures. I’ve always loved that. What a perfect way to describe us! I know I’ve been blessed to have some brilliant examples of this sweet phrase in my life and it can never hurt to be reminded of that. You know who you are. Love you. Thanks for being in my life.
Lord thank you for who you are. Thank you for wanting us. Thank you for blessing me with the friendship of some of your very best peculiar treasures. Give me a constant thirst for your presence. I don’t want to be able to make it through a day without diving into your word and losing myself in your truth. I want to glorify you in everything I do. Use me lord.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

more words.

Lord thank you for choosing me and bringing me here. I know that drawing me into singleness was your plan to capture my heart and you have. Thank you for blessing me with this divine romance that goes so far beyond earthly romance. Thank you for calling me to be single and focus on you. Us. I like that term, I always have, but here at KAA its gone to a ‘whole notha level’. I love you. Help me to choose truth and not get sucked into the lies of “rejection” that Satan has nipping my heels. This is my call to freedom! My liberty song! You are here and your handprints are all over this. Remind me of your nearness. Whisper sweet words to me. I am yours.

I sat down with a full heart tonight, ready to sort through it all on my computer…and though I typed a full page, it just wasn’t right. It wasn’t what God laid on my heart to say…(which I’m super excited about because I just love hearing his voice…even when He’s just telling me to dig a bit deeper and be a bit more honest.) So at a loss for words, I vaguely remembered waking up in the middle of the night and sleep texting a prayer on my phone…and the prayer above is what I found. I was just in awe. I love that I barely even remember when God laid that on my heart…and now it just washes over me like rain in a desert. I realize that a lot of my posts on here are written like I made it to a shelter in the midst of a storm…and though that’s true, I want to make sure it’s obvious how good that is for me. My entire life I’ve settled for letting God be God and not the one I desire more than life itself…and through this time of trial and error, battle after battle, God has romanced me more than I can possibly describe and I couldn’t be more thrilled with it. I feel so desired and loved and just…wanted. Which is a first for me in my relationship with God. So I’m not writing about these battles as a victim. I’m writing as a conqueror…or a vessel for the true conqueror. And I LOVE it. I feel stronger than I’ve ever been and I am filled with so much joy at being this close to my Father’s heart.
Today I’m learning to choose romance over mundane life. Being honest, my life is pretty average…but it can feel like war….or a stagnant pond. Since I finally became aware of this divine dance God has drawn me into, i’ve fallen in love with having a relationship with my savior. It’s like…my whole life I’ve been boppin along, doin my thing…and somehow this summer I woke up. And now I have options. I can go back to auburn and fall back asleep and live a normal life that I’d be moderately happy living…or I can sign on for this struggle. Knowing that every day will be a battle for my soul and I’ll have to make a conscious decision each morning to deny my flesh and follow my creator. And I can’t imagine choosing to go back to my old life. Not even a little bit. I’ve always been confused by that ‘a new creation in christ’ deal…but now I get it. I’m not going to lie and say that denying my flesh is a cake walk, but it’s a no brainer now that I’m awake. I just…love it. I’m crazy in love. The honeymoon phase…and it’s never going to end…and I’m just over the moon about it.
So basically…the past couple of months have been rough…but in the best way imaginable. All I can say is that I am completely convinced that Jesus Christ knows me by name and he has seen all of my imperfections, in fact He designed me to have them so he can display his strength in me. And He adores me.
I’m still working on wrapping my mind around the ‘adores’ part. I love it, but it doesn’t make sense. I’m reminded daily that Christ isn’t human and therefore he can’t be pegged with human characteristics….but still. Being loved by fallible humans messes ya up, so when it comes to divine love…it’s a bit out of my league intellectually. But on the heart level I know it…or at least I’m beginning to. And that makes me happy.
As far as knowing my heart and my imperfections…that’s why the last few months haven’t been easy for me. He knows how stubborn I am, and he knows how limited my understanding of him is…and the only way he could show me was to bring me to a place where I need him. Where nothing else can satisfy me. And the best part is…I am honestly dependent on him right now. When I’m not in the center of his will and covered in his word I feel like a fish out of water. And that right there…is my reason for living.
Thank you for blessing me with the fish out of water feeling when I don’t have you. Thank you for making your presence a necessity for my life. I love you. I am yours.

Friday, July 8, 2011

who am i?

I think it’s interesting that I’m at a Christian camp surrounded by mogs and p31s and yet I can feel so isolated and just…bad. Satan really is a trickster. Did I just use that word? Okay.
Lord help me to remember that feelings L-I-E. you are my only truth. You are my only true love. You are my only joy and my only satisfaction.
I thought being here this summer would be difficult…but living in a community of god lovers would keep me filled up and I’d survive and perhaps even enjoy myself. I had no idea that I would feel isolated and singled out and excluded. In reality I know I have amazing girls…women…in my life that would totally talk this through with me, but I think maybe these feelings of isolation are part of my discipling. Like wherever I end up, whoever I end up with, whatever I end up doing…none of that will make me immune to feelings of isolation. I clearly encountered the truth of that statement in my “almost ever after”, I just didn’t know what to do with it just yet. But I think I’m getting closer to what that means to me personally. Aside from discontent (which I 100% believe is one of my main stumbling blocks) another thing I struggle with is feeling wanted! In relationships, in friendships, heck, even by my family. Which is what makes boys such a hurdle for me. But I don’t think I ever acknowledged just how much pull this has on me. Over the last week or so I’ve been in the worst moods! I have no idea why, there’s nothing specific that’s just awful…it just comes over me and I’d been giving in to it until a couple of days ago assuming it was just a funk that I couldn’t help. But now I’m seeing it as an attack. Satan knows my heart too and if I don’t completely cover it in god’s truth EVERY day, every moment, and actively fight for my freedom as christ’s bride, he WILL get into those crevices of hurt that are my stumbling points and he will cause a world of hurt. I’ve always loved the ‘we are more than conquerors in christ’ way of thinking…but never applied it. spiritual warfare and all that…it was just something that theoretically happens, but it’s never been something I prominently felt in my own life. But I do now.
Honestly? It’s a struggle to not be in a relationship. It’s a struggle to keep from flirting with guy friends to keep myself on the ‘wanted’ high. It’s a struggle to be away from home. It’s a struggle feeling like I don’t belong in the office….or being made to feel that way. I’m tired, I’m hurting, I’m confused, I’m scared of the ‘what’s next’ question….life is rough.
But truthfully? I have been SO BLESSED. I have an amazing family that loves me. I have wonderful friends both at home and here. Rachel , Kristi, Leslie, Natalie, Blaire, I love you guys. You each encourage me daily and always point me towards truth. I appreciate you so much.
Bottom line? I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN BY THE ONE TRUE KING OF THE UNIVERSE! He has called me by name! who am I to not feel wanted?! He constantly pursues me, romances me, draws me back to him, never runs out of patience with me, accepts me for my truest self, LONGS for my attention. The ultimate relationship is MINE. I’m a dork for getting caught up in feelings and lies about earthly relationships and my lack of them. I always have to literally walk through each thought that’s caught up in my head in order to lay out the foundation of what I’m getting at…and right now I’m incredulous. Here I was, sitting in this puddle of sadness and frustration at not being desired, while the lover of my soul was sitting there watching with his hand held out and tears in his eyes. How could I possibly be so blind? Having these thoughts on my mental clothesline all smoothed out and separated, I’m positive that these feelings of discontent and longing for a relationship are only a fraction of a reflection of christ’s feelings towards me. Which brings me back.
Thank you lord jesus for knowing me and loving me and calling me. My heart aches for you. I long for your presence. You hear my cry and you scoop me up without a moment’s hesitation. I can’t express my joy. My mind can’t even comprehend your desire for me. The fact that your thoughts of me outnumber the stars brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. I love moments like this when you give me a glimpse of your love for me. Give me the strength to prepare for battle every day so I can draw closer and closer to you. I love being the one you desire.

still playing catch up.

Wow Lord. I don’t even know where to begin. You brought me here in a state of brokenness…to the point that I didn’t even realize how broken I was. I’ve learned so much since I got here and I feel like I still have an infinite amount to learn before I can come close to understanding who you are. I don’t want to forget the things I’m learning, all the little steps in my journey with you this summer. You’ve taught me so many things that are just…mind boggling…and I want to hold on to them.
• It’s ok to be single…and it is possible to enjoy it.
• Happiness is a choice. Circumstance doesn’t influence that, only your presence does.
• I can be truly satisfied solely by you.
• I won’t always feel your presence, but you are ALWAYS there.
• I think too much, and when my mind gets me carried away it’s alright to bring all of those silly thoughts to you and you will help me sort through them and give me new eyes to see each thought with.
• My sole purpose on this earth is to glorify you and everything I do either makes your name famous or doesn’t. There is no gray area.
• Discontent is not a facet of my personality. It is a sin that I have to acknowledge and fight DAILY.
• Sin is anything that keeps me from the freedom and joy you’ve promised me as your daughter.
• Fighting the same sin over and over isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength for realizing the sin and for taking steps to repent of it. Satan just fights harder to keep me lost in sin.
• My feelings will lie to me. Your truth is the only thing that will set me free.
• When I am truly in step with you I feel like a fish out of water without your word.
• Bible studies are great, but they are not your word. The bible is a daily necessity in order to maintain closeness with you.
• You don’t get frustrated with me for struggling against my flesh, you’re proud of me for choosing you instead.
• My flesh will fight against my spirit for control of my actions and I have to look objectively at everything I do in order to bring you glory.
• My circumstance in daily life depends on my relationship with you and my state of mind.
• Talking to any guy is a stumbling point for me. I need to be alone with you for right now.
• Even though my heart is healed from my past heartache, it isn’t secure enough in you for anything else.
• My dream of having a husband and a family may or may not come true…but my walk with you and my mindset will determine my happiness in life.
Thank you for being so patient with me Father. I know that I’m headstrong and independent, but every morning you greet me with your outstretched hand and endless grace. Thank you for seeing through all of my flaws and choosing me to be your precious one. Thank you for calling me by name and redeeming me. I love you more than words can express. I’m thrilled to be caught up in your divine romance.

playing catch up.

Ok. Our first dance was supposed to be to Bring It On Home by Little Big Town. For some reason I’ve been utterly obsessed with this song the last few days, and I’ve been very confused as to why until tonight.
We were supposed to get married and he was supposed to be my forever. We were best friends, ‘pawdnas’ really. But I’ve always felt called to this incredibly close relationship with God and somehow he pushed that out of my life and made it seem okay…for a while. Once I figured out that ours wasn’t going to be a relationship that had ANY Godly aspect things started to spiral out of control. His bad habits brought out mine and eventually we self-destructed. Considering that he had become my religion…that was devastating. I couldn’t remember how to breathe…or think…or feel anything other than the excruciating pain of a broken forever. I quickly came around to the knowledge that God was in control and clearly He just had something better…but I couldn’t figure out why He’d let us get this close. Tonight I realized that He didn’t. He told me so many times I’d grown numb to the fact that he wasn’t who God had for me. Finally something snapped and I’d had enough and God had my attention…or so I thought. The last month and a half has been the most confusing and frustrating time of my life. Not because I miss him, though I really thought I would; not because I want a new relationship…none of that.
Lately I feel like I’m sitting on this box. I’ve put everything aside that I can as a fallible human. I’m bruised and bloody, utterly empty. Begging to be filled. And instead of feeling God wrap his arms around me…I’ve been surrounded with people. Some under the guise of friendship, some under the guise of fellowship, authority, and pursuit. I feel like all of these people are just mauling me…looking for some scrap of something entertaining they can glean from me...but there’s nothing there. Now I know this isn’t some cannibalistic nightmare, I’m completely aware that this seeming bloodlust is completely and totally constructed by satan to kick me when I’m down…but still. Really?
I’ve also been caught up in other unrealistic fears. They go something like this. ‘If I’m supposed to be a child of God then why don’t I feel like one? Why do I enjoy things of the flesh more than I enjoy quiet time? Why do my prayers feel like they hit the ceiling and bounce back down?’
And the most terrifying of all, ‘I know God has a chosen people…what if I’m not one of them? What if he didn’t choose me? No one else has…’ All of these awful questions have been tumbling around in my head like tennis shoes in a dryer for months…and I’ve gotten sick of them. I wonder about all of my friends who’ve only recently become Christians and yearn for a specific ‘God moment’ like they all seem to have. Maybe not even that. Just something small that says ‘hey, yeah you screwed up…but I’m still here. And I will be tomorrow and every other day. You may not feel me…but I’m here. I love you. This will all be worth it when I gather you into my arms. Keep going, I’ll give you the strength. You’re going to make it kiddo.’
Which brings me to today. After several weeks of listless emptiness I felt immensely drawn to this song, which was understandably alarming. I don’t really know what I expected to feel…but it certainly wasn’t safety and joy. I didn’t even feel those things when I was planning on dancing to this as the new Mrs.*******! Yet somehow those are the exact emotions that surfaced. After about an hour of finally getting all of this frustration and many more deep concerns of mine as a ‘daughter of the King’ off my chest to my wise mother…I felt the urge to listen to this song again as I got ready to finally have that looming quiet time I’d been avoiding for weeks. As I started humming the song to myself...the words took new life. This is the little god moment I’ve been angling for.

God thank you for reminding me that you’ve chosen me. Thank you for molding me into who you created me to be. Forgive me for all of the moments where I don’t choose your will over mine. Open my eyes to your majesty Lord. You’ve drawn me into the desert, open my ears to hear your voice. Fill my heart with praise. Help me to begin to live in joy and humility. Take away the parts of me that distract from who you are. Make me yours.