who am i?

I think it’s interesting that I’m at a Christian camp surrounded by mogs and p31s and yet I can feel so isolated and just…bad. Satan really is a trickster. Did I just use that word? Okay.
Lord help me to remember that feelings L-I-E. you are my only truth. You are my only true love. You are my only joy and my only satisfaction.
I thought being here this summer would be difficult…but living in a community of god lovers would keep me filled up and I’d survive and perhaps even enjoy myself. I had no idea that I would feel isolated and singled out and excluded. In reality I know I have amazing girls…women…in my life that would totally talk this through with me, but I think maybe these feelings of isolation are part of my discipling. Like wherever I end up, whoever I end up with, whatever I end up doing…none of that will make me immune to feelings of isolation. I clearly encountered the truth of that statement in my “almost ever after”, I just didn’t know what to do with it just yet. But I think I’m getting closer to what that means to me personally. Aside from discontent (which I 100% believe is one of my main stumbling blocks) another thing I struggle with is feeling wanted! In relationships, in friendships, heck, even by my family. Which is what makes boys such a hurdle for me. But I don’t think I ever acknowledged just how much pull this has on me. Over the last week or so I’ve been in the worst moods! I have no idea why, there’s nothing specific that’s just awful…it just comes over me and I’d been giving in to it until a couple of days ago assuming it was just a funk that I couldn’t help. But now I’m seeing it as an attack. Satan knows my heart too and if I don’t completely cover it in god’s truth EVERY day, every moment, and actively fight for my freedom as christ’s bride, he WILL get into those crevices of hurt that are my stumbling points and he will cause a world of hurt. I’ve always loved the ‘we are more than conquerors in christ’ way of thinking…but never applied it. spiritual warfare and all that…it was just something that theoretically happens, but it’s never been something I prominently felt in my own life. But I do now.
Honestly? It’s a struggle to not be in a relationship. It’s a struggle to keep from flirting with guy friends to keep myself on the ‘wanted’ high. It’s a struggle to be away from home. It’s a struggle feeling like I don’t belong in the office….or being made to feel that way. I’m tired, I’m hurting, I’m confused, I’m scared of the ‘what’s next’ question….life is rough.
But truthfully? I have been SO BLESSED. I have an amazing family that loves me. I have wonderful friends both at home and here. Rachel , Kristi, Leslie, Natalie, Blaire, I love you guys. You each encourage me daily and always point me towards truth. I appreciate you so much.
Bottom line? I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN BY THE ONE TRUE KING OF THE UNIVERSE! He has called me by name! who am I to not feel wanted?! He constantly pursues me, romances me, draws me back to him, never runs out of patience with me, accepts me for my truest self, LONGS for my attention. The ultimate relationship is MINE. I’m a dork for getting caught up in feelings and lies about earthly relationships and my lack of them. I always have to literally walk through each thought that’s caught up in my head in order to lay out the foundation of what I’m getting at…and right now I’m incredulous. Here I was, sitting in this puddle of sadness and frustration at not being desired, while the lover of my soul was sitting there watching with his hand held out and tears in his eyes. How could I possibly be so blind? Having these thoughts on my mental clothesline all smoothed out and separated, I’m positive that these feelings of discontent and longing for a relationship are only a fraction of a reflection of christ’s feelings towards me. Which brings me back.
WHO AM I THAT YOU HAVE CALLED ME BY NAME?!
Thank you lord jesus for knowing me and loving me and calling me. My heart aches for you. I long for your presence. You hear my cry and you scoop me up without a moment’s hesitation. I can’t express my joy. My mind can’t even comprehend your desire for me. The fact that your thoughts of me outnumber the stars brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. I love moments like this when you give me a glimpse of your love for me. Give me the strength to prepare for battle every day so I can draw closer and closer to you. I love being the one you desire.