more words.

Lord thank you for choosing me and bringing me here. I know that drawing me into singleness was your plan to capture my heart and you have. Thank you for blessing me with this divine romance that goes so far beyond earthly romance. Thank you for calling me to be single and focus on you. Us. I like that term, I always have, but here at KAA its gone to a ‘whole notha level’. I love you. Help me to choose truth and not get sucked into the lies of “rejection” that Satan has nipping my heels. This is my call to freedom! My liberty song! You are here and your handprints are all over this. Remind me of your nearness. Whisper sweet words to me. I am yours.

I sat down with a full heart tonight, ready to sort through it all on my computer…and though I typed a full page, it just wasn’t right. It wasn’t what God laid on my heart to say…(which I’m super excited about because I just love hearing his voice…even when He’s just telling me to dig a bit deeper and be a bit more honest.) So at a loss for words, I vaguely remembered waking up in the middle of the night and sleep texting a prayer on my phone…and the prayer above is what I found. I was just in awe. I love that I barely even remember when God laid that on my heart…and now it just washes over me like rain in a desert. I realize that a lot of my posts on here are written like I made it to a shelter in the midst of a storm…and though that’s true, I want to make sure it’s obvious how good that is for me. My entire life I’ve settled for letting God be God and not the one I desire more than life itself…and through this time of trial and error, battle after battle, God has romanced me more than I can possibly describe and I couldn’t be more thrilled with it. I feel so desired and loved and just…wanted. Which is a first for me in my relationship with God. So I’m not writing about these battles as a victim. I’m writing as a conqueror…or a vessel for the true conqueror. And I LOVE it. I feel stronger than I’ve ever been and I am filled with so much joy at being this close to my Father’s heart.
Today I’m learning to choose romance over mundane life. Being honest, my life is pretty average…but it can feel like war….or a stagnant pond. Since I finally became aware of this divine dance God has drawn me into, i’ve fallen in love with having a relationship with my savior. It’s like…my whole life I’ve been boppin along, doin my thing…and somehow this summer I woke up. And now I have options. I can go back to auburn and fall back asleep and live a normal life that I’d be moderately happy living…or I can sign on for this struggle. Knowing that every day will be a battle for my soul and I’ll have to make a conscious decision each morning to deny my flesh and follow my creator. And I can’t imagine choosing to go back to my old life. Not even a little bit. I’ve always been confused by that ‘a new creation in christ’ deal…but now I get it. I’m not going to lie and say that denying my flesh is a cake walk, but it’s a no brainer now that I’m awake. I just…love it. I’m crazy in love. The honeymoon phase…and it’s never going to end…and I’m just over the moon about it.
So basically…the past couple of months have been rough…but in the best way imaginable. All I can say is that I am completely convinced that Jesus Christ knows me by name and he has seen all of my imperfections, in fact He designed me to have them so he can display his strength in me. And He adores me.
I’m still working on wrapping my mind around the ‘adores’ part. I love it, but it doesn’t make sense. I’m reminded daily that Christ isn’t human and therefore he can’t be pegged with human characteristics….but still. Being loved by fallible humans messes ya up, so when it comes to divine love…it’s a bit out of my league intellectually. But on the heart level I know it…or at least I’m beginning to. And that makes me happy.
As far as knowing my heart and my imperfections…that’s why the last few months haven’t been easy for me. He knows how stubborn I am, and he knows how limited my understanding of him is…and the only way he could show me was to bring me to a place where I need him. Where nothing else can satisfy me. And the best part is…I am honestly dependent on him right now. When I’m not in the center of his will and covered in his word I feel like a fish out of water. And that right there…is my reason for living.
Thank you for blessing me with the fish out of water feeling when I don’t have you. Thank you for making your presence a necessity for my life. I love you. I am yours.