playing catch up.

Ok. Our first dance was supposed to be to Bring It On Home by Little Big Town. For some reason I’ve been utterly obsessed with this song the last few days, and I’ve been very confused as to why until tonight.
We were supposed to get married and he was supposed to be my forever. We were best friends, ‘pawdnas’ really. But I’ve always felt called to this incredibly close relationship with God and somehow he pushed that out of my life and made it seem okay…for a while. Once I figured out that ours wasn’t going to be a relationship that had ANY Godly aspect things started to spiral out of control. His bad habits brought out mine and eventually we self-destructed. Considering that he had become my religion…that was devastating. I couldn’t remember how to breathe…or think…or feel anything other than the excruciating pain of a broken forever. I quickly came around to the knowledge that God was in control and clearly He just had something better…but I couldn’t figure out why He’d let us get this close. Tonight I realized that He didn’t. He told me so many times I’d grown numb to the fact that he wasn’t who God had for me. Finally something snapped and I’d had enough and God had my attention…or so I thought. The last month and a half has been the most confusing and frustrating time of my life. Not because I miss him, though I really thought I would; not because I want a new relationship…none of that.
Lately I feel like I’m sitting on this box. I’ve put everything aside that I can as a fallible human. I’m bruised and bloody, utterly empty. Begging to be filled. And instead of feeling God wrap his arms around me…I’ve been surrounded with people. Some under the guise of friendship, some under the guise of fellowship, authority, and pursuit. I feel like all of these people are just mauling me…looking for some scrap of something entertaining they can glean from me...but there’s nothing there. Now I know this isn’t some cannibalistic nightmare, I’m completely aware that this seeming bloodlust is completely and totally constructed by satan to kick me when I’m down…but still. Really?
I’ve also been caught up in other unrealistic fears. They go something like this. ‘If I’m supposed to be a child of God then why don’t I feel like one? Why do I enjoy things of the flesh more than I enjoy quiet time? Why do my prayers feel like they hit the ceiling and bounce back down?’
And the most terrifying of all, ‘I know God has a chosen people…what if I’m not one of them? What if he didn’t choose me? No one else has…’ All of these awful questions have been tumbling around in my head like tennis shoes in a dryer for months…and I’ve gotten sick of them. I wonder about all of my friends who’ve only recently become Christians and yearn for a specific ‘God moment’ like they all seem to have. Maybe not even that. Just something small that says ‘hey, yeah you screwed up…but I’m still here. And I will be tomorrow and every other day. You may not feel me…but I’m here. I love you. This will all be worth it when I gather you into my arms. Keep going, I’ll give you the strength. You’re going to make it kiddo.’
Which brings me to today. After several weeks of listless emptiness I felt immensely drawn to this song, which was understandably alarming. I don’t really know what I expected to feel…but it certainly wasn’t safety and joy. I didn’t even feel those things when I was planning on dancing to this as the new Mrs.*******! Yet somehow those are the exact emotions that surfaced. After about an hour of finally getting all of this frustration and many more deep concerns of mine as a ‘daughter of the King’ off my chest to my wise mother…I felt the urge to listen to this song again as I got ready to finally have that looming quiet time I’d been avoiding for weeks. As I started humming the song to myself...the words took new life. This is the little god moment I’ve been angling for.

God thank you for reminding me that you’ve chosen me. Thank you for molding me into who you created me to be. Forgive me for all of the moments where I don’t choose your will over mine. Open my eyes to your majesty Lord. You’ve drawn me into the desert, open my ears to hear your voice. Fill my heart with praise. Help me to begin to live in joy and humility. Take away the parts of me that distract from who you are. Make me yours.